The Sound of Silence

Is anyone listening? Does anyone care? I feel so alone out here. I don't know why. But it feels like everything's going wrong again. It gets better only to get worse. It's a stupid, constant roller coaster ride, and I miss the steadiness of ordinary life. I didn't have a choice when the world dropped from beneath me when I was four years old. So why does it feel like I can't make a change 14 years later. I could scream at the top of my lungs and I don't know who would hear me. I don't even know anymore. I can't breathe, I can't think. Every waking hour occupied, sleep comes slowly, and when it comes, it's a fragile thing. Weekends are no escape. Hours of serving people endlessly with a fake smile plastered on my face. Why does it feel like I'm all an act, just fake, plastic. I'm sure as hell not transparent. I never let people see through me. So why does this feel so empty and alone. I don't know. Is there anybody out there who is really listening? hearing my plea?

I finally know the reason.
The one reason I'd never take you back.
I was in love with you.
Now that seems so insignificant.


But think back to those days. 
You said I was the only girl who didn't screw you over.
When did you stop to think about me?
All you ever fed me was bullshit.
"Oh, I'll stop smoking pot for you Alyssa,"
Then why did I find out you had done it all along.
"I never cheated on you Alyssa,"
Then why did you never make plans with me, never take me on dates.
"I never had money,"
Well you had plenty to go out to movies with friends you self-centered ass.
"I'm breaking up with you, I can't handle this"
"I miss you," and then kissing me in the backseat
"One more kiss, it's goodbye"


Then two years later, after very little talking,
after it took me six months to get over you
after we started a friendship,
you call me, you're drunk.
"Alyssa, I love you,"
"Let's get married,"
You were a fool that night, 
Really, asking ME to get married?
at the age of 18 nonetheless!
but it's me.
I have trouble believing in the institution of love and marriage some days
but mainly when my ex-boyfriend proposes to me.
Over the phone.
while drunk.


And then there was the night when I was drinking on an empty stomach.
three glasses of wine and a flute of champagne.
I wasn't drunk when I was texting you,
I was just simply pissed.
Especially when you proved you could be a complete ass once again
"I have a girlfriend, I've never been in love anyways,"
and then when I got mad
"Maybe we should stop talking, this is getting too honest,"


Three or four months later, who's the one to apologize?
Oh right, that's me.
I thought we could go on in a friendship, 
no strings attached.
Only to find out
"I forgot how well we worked together,"
"I still have feelings for you,"
"You're the only girl who never screwed me over,"
"I want to prove I can be a nice guy, not an ass,"
"After tomorrow night, it will be the last time I'll do 'e'"


I'M THE ONLY GIRL WHO NEVER SCREWED YOU OVER?
that's the only fucking reason?
REALLY?
Cause I just want you to fucking know
I WAS IN LOVE WITH YOU.
And you screwed me over.
But I should take you back because I NEVER SCREWED YOU OVER?


It's over,
it's done
I'd never take you back.
You want to know why?


it's because
"It's the last time"
"Never screwed me over"
"I never cheated"
"I love you...wait, no i don't"
"Let's get married,"
"I want to make things better"


those words will never be good enough coming from you.
They only mean something if I believe them.
And I don't.
Because you screwed me over. I was in love with you. You made the sweetest experience of my life turn bitter. You made it hard to trust. You made it hard to walk away. 
I loved you. With all of me
You were the brightest flame in my life.
I know I say that people can't fall in love in high school, but I'd be lying if I said I hadn't been in love with you.


But I'm over you.
And what makes you think you deserve a second chance with the girl who never screwed you over if you screwed her over?

You said you loved me.
Really?
You were the one I thought I could turn to,
and then you broke me.
But now,
some of the things you do are so sweet,
so unlike you.
How did we end up this way.
How are you still saying you love me
when I just wish I could say good-bye

I thought I still had feelings,
But I was wrong.
I mean of course I have some residue
our relationship had been the brightest fire in my life
it makes sense that I still miss you.
we were that wildfire.

But now,
you want me back
you said you were going to try everything possible.
And you are.
But I'm not blind anymore.
I can't just take you back.
I have this one word to say,
and it's the hardest of all
especially to say to your face.

My answer is:
Never