The Sound of Silence

Is anyone listening? Does anyone care? I feel so alone out here. I don't know why. But it feels like everything's going wrong again. It gets better only to get worse. It's a stupid, constant roller coaster ride, and I miss the steadiness of ordinary life. I didn't have a choice when the world dropped from beneath me when I was four years old. So why does it feel like I can't make a change 14 years later. I could scream at the top of my lungs and I don't know who would hear me. I don't even know anymore. I can't breathe, I can't think. Every waking hour occupied, sleep comes slowly, and when it comes, it's a fragile thing. Weekends are no escape. Hours of serving people endlessly with a fake smile plastered on my face. Why does it feel like I'm all an act, just fake, plastic. I'm sure as hell not transparent. I never let people see through me. So why does this feel so empty and alone. I don't know. Is there anybody out there who is really listening? hearing my plea?

I finally know the reason.
The one reason I'd never take you back.
I was in love with you.
Now that seems so insignificant.


But think back to those days. 
You said I was the only girl who didn't screw you over.
When did you stop to think about me?
All you ever fed me was bullshit.
"Oh, I'll stop smoking pot for you Alyssa,"
Then why did I find out you had done it all along.
"I never cheated on you Alyssa,"
Then why did you never make plans with me, never take me on dates.
"I never had money,"
Well you had plenty to go out to movies with friends you self-centered ass.
"I'm breaking up with you, I can't handle this"
"I miss you," and then kissing me in the backseat
"One more kiss, it's goodbye"


Then two years later, after very little talking,
after it took me six months to get over you
after we started a friendship,
you call me, you're drunk.
"Alyssa, I love you,"
"Let's get married,"
You were a fool that night, 
Really, asking ME to get married?
at the age of 18 nonetheless!
but it's me.
I have trouble believing in the institution of love and marriage some days
but mainly when my ex-boyfriend proposes to me.
Over the phone.
while drunk.


And then there was the night when I was drinking on an empty stomach.
three glasses of wine and a flute of champagne.
I wasn't drunk when I was texting you,
I was just simply pissed.
Especially when you proved you could be a complete ass once again
"I have a girlfriend, I've never been in love anyways,"
and then when I got mad
"Maybe we should stop talking, this is getting too honest,"


Three or four months later, who's the one to apologize?
Oh right, that's me.
I thought we could go on in a friendship, 
no strings attached.
Only to find out
"I forgot how well we worked together,"
"I still have feelings for you,"
"You're the only girl who never screwed me over,"
"I want to prove I can be a nice guy, not an ass,"
"After tomorrow night, it will be the last time I'll do 'e'"


I'M THE ONLY GIRL WHO NEVER SCREWED YOU OVER?
that's the only fucking reason?
REALLY?
Cause I just want you to fucking know
I WAS IN LOVE WITH YOU.
And you screwed me over.
But I should take you back because I NEVER SCREWED YOU OVER?


It's over,
it's done
I'd never take you back.
You want to know why?


it's because
"It's the last time"
"Never screwed me over"
"I never cheated"
"I love you...wait, no i don't"
"Let's get married,"
"I want to make things better"


those words will never be good enough coming from you.
They only mean something if I believe them.
And I don't.
Because you screwed me over. I was in love with you. You made the sweetest experience of my life turn bitter. You made it hard to trust. You made it hard to walk away. 
I loved you. With all of me
You were the brightest flame in my life.
I know I say that people can't fall in love in high school, but I'd be lying if I said I hadn't been in love with you.


But I'm over you.
And what makes you think you deserve a second chance with the girl who never screwed you over if you screwed her over?

You said you loved me.
Really?
You were the one I thought I could turn to,
and then you broke me.
But now,
some of the things you do are so sweet,
so unlike you.
How did we end up this way.
How are you still saying you love me
when I just wish I could say good-bye

I thought I still had feelings,
But I was wrong.
I mean of course I have some residue
our relationship had been the brightest fire in my life
it makes sense that I still miss you.
we were that wildfire.

But now,
you want me back
you said you were going to try everything possible.
And you are.
But I'm not blind anymore.
I can't just take you back.
I have this one word to say,
and it's the hardest of all
especially to say to your face.

My answer is:
Never

do you know what i'm losing?
because I don't.
do you know what i'm feeling?
because i don't.
When did this become so hard,
making decisions that make me better.
I'm falling back.
Imagine how one progression of notes
of chords
of lyrics
made me fall right back into that conversation with him.
when did i go blonde?

Changing faces, changing seasons, never letting go.
I'm losing sleep and dreaming of you.
So hard to forget our past transgressions.
Lead me into darkness and lay me down to rest in peace.
Push me out to sea, float me away on a bed of roses.
When my blue eyes can see no longer, let me sink beneath the waves.

Would it kill you just to love me,
even just to pretend?
Lead me in the darkness,
and then let me die.
I'm okay with that,
I'm ready for a lie.
Now that I'm looking for a man,
you're the one I can't have
and I don't know where else to look,
because you're all I know.
I don't know what i'm looking for,
But I know I need to find someone.
Why is moving on so damn hard to do

This is what you do
You break the hearts,
Just like breaking skin.
But you can't be to blame,
You're a flirt,
Pure and simple.
I hate it,
I'm not jealous,
But why you at like this,
I'm mad,
Because I know it's you

it feels like i've lost my best friend
i just want to cry
I feel depressed
I just want to curl up in his arms
but he's the one who betrayed me
who let this all go to shit

He's the reason i'm sitting here bawling my eyes out
feeling sick to my stomach,
and listening to the heaviest music on my ipod
just to tune him out

and it hurts so bad
and it feels like it'll never stop

how does he get away with this
I can't ignore him forever
but it feels like what he want me to do

wow, just wow,
I can handle the fact you don't like me
whatever,
it doesn't even fucking matter

But that you don't want to talk to me
that I'm causing you stress

You're one of my best friends
and I thought I was yours
and your not going to talk to me
until you want to?

what, is your heart fucking made of stone?

Really?

FUCK YOU.
I guess you didn't get that from the text i sent.

though I thought saying
"okay, whatever. let me know when you want to talk"
was code for
fuck you.

So suck this jackass

Baby I've finally got you back,
You're finally talking to me
I'm nearly catatonic at the thought of losing you,
When I don't even know if theres a
"Me and You"
Baby please come back, you're not allowed to leave,
You and me, it's not as crazy as it seems.

You're back from your jaunt to Kansas,
and that sudden influx of facebook messages is beginning to make me feel threatened.
Especially since all the messages are from girls.
Really?
Do you lack the ability to make friends with boys?
Or do girls really just become friends with you because of your wit and good looks.
I'm trying not to be sarcastic
I'm trying not to be a bitch
But really?
There's a girl right here, in your city, in your life
and you don't even have the guts to text her, to facebook her?
Not since our grad night,
when we slow-danced,
and I got lost in your eyes,
and breathless in your arms.
It's so hard to see the facebook messages from them,
gushing "We miss you, we miss you :) :)"
And it's impossible for me not to feel threatened,
because you've told me
"we're just friends"

And now you're back from kansas.
"Toto, I don't think you're in Kansas anymore,"
Even a hello would've been nice
Because I'm tired of making all the effort.
I'm giving and giving,
please start taking.
I like you so much and I don't know what to do,
Just let me in.
Please.
Oh yeah,
Hello again

There have been three major events that I have dreamed of since I was little; my graduation, my wedding, and having children. In five days as of tiday, the first one happens

I've walked these hallowed halls for thirteen years
and now I long to run through them screaming "It's over, I'm done"
It's time to say goodbye, I'm not sad, but I'm not happy.
When I'm wearing that beautiful designer dress,
eating a fancy dinner, with orchids on my wrist,
while I'm dancing the night away with my best friend,
and the guy I like...two different guys might I add, though they both are my best friends.
When I tell the guy I like that I still like him,
and when I tell him that he has a little more competition then planned,
Maybe something will happen.
Because I've dreamed of what his kisses will be like.
And when we're in the museum, in the planetarium,
when the stars are reflected on the ceiling above us.
It's over, and I know then that it's over for good.
But I can't say I'm sad to leave.
This place has suffocated me and helped me grow
but it's time for me to move on,
to blossom into womanhood, something i've been on the cusp of for years,
to become all I want to be,
To grow up finally,
and feel totally free

I'm drowning in your eyes,
glacial blue,
so beautiful.

Turn around bright eyes,
so I can drown in your gaze.
Wake up, wake up, I'm right here.

I'm lost in the depths,
lost in your eyes,
lost in your mouth.

You do something amazing to me,
notice me, notice me,
just look my way

Turn around
So I can drown again

So this is a song i'm working on. Comments, Ideas? gladly taken

I need you to be my superman, lead me by the hand, tell me everything will be okay. You can't ever lie, I'll never give you the chance cause I don't wanna let go of you. If you can read my mind, you'll know I never want you out of my sight. Just take me by the hand and lead me away from this mess, you're my superman, rescue me from the flaws inside

You know who you are if you're reading this;

Goodbye. How I wish I could say this to you, to free my heart, to be able to rid my heart of fear. Because love includes fear, and for me, love is fear. Sometimes we have to remember the simplicity of love and fear. Fear accelerates us, sometimes in the direction we don't want to go. I know that's happened to me. The night falls though, and as I lie in bed, staring at the ceiling, I don't know what I want. I sit, watching people throw their lives away, watching people try to fall in love, while I sit here hoping maybe my affection will be returned, maybe someone will be there to break that fear I have of being loved. I wish I didn't feel so lonely  when it finally hit me that you weren't around, because I wish you were with me. When you flirted with someone, I felt strangled. That's why I walked away whenever you were with her, but you didn't notice. You didn't notice me until we flirted or you chased after me trying to find out what was wrong, or when you showed me new music. You never noticed when I studied you from the corners of my eyes. You didn't notice that you made me nostalogic and sad, and that whenever you wrapped your arms around me it felt right. I thought there was hope for us, but I was wrong. I wake up to blinding sunlight every morning, and it still makes me think of the brief times when you smile. But I'm done, there's no way this jealousy and tiredness can go on forever. Goodbye, I've moved on
Little_red

It should be illegal for you to be so amazing
It should be illegal for you to be so attractive.
It should be illegal for you to be funny,
and it should be illegal that I want to bend over backwards for you.
It should be illegal for you not to like me,
It should be illegal for you not to kiss me,
It should be illegal for us not to sing together.
It should be illegal for us to not touch hands more often,
It should be illegal for you not to laugh at me and with me
It should be illegal that you make me have so much fun.

I call you a trap,
yeah that's right,
that's what you are.

At least to me.
Everytime I see you
after I've convinced myself I don't care,
You convince me otherwise.

You prey on an unsuspecting female,
me.

And really,
Do you like me?
I have no clue...
None at all.
Way to sneak up on me.

You always catch me unawares,
catch me in your blue eyed stare,
wow...

It should be illegal for your eyes to be that blue,
It should be illegal for your body to look that good,
It should be illegal for me to want you like I do....

you're a trap.
And i'm the fly

So today was nice. I had a major flirtfest with guy friend whom I like kinda who has rejected me once already. It's really hard to tell if he's changed his mind or something. Also, my friend and I avoided another guy that my friend did some pretty shady stuff with. And my dog ran away. I also have a chemistry (AHHH RUN AWAY) test tomorrow, but i'm sure I'll be okay. And to top it all off, only three more days of school this week.
What a random day

I can feel it, the darkness  beneath my skin
clawing, twisting, turning inside,
begging to  be let free.
Darkness lashes at the corners of my mind,
trying to capture my heart inside.

The demon lingers in my skin, screaming, squirming, strained within
oozing from my pores.
I clench sharp nails
into the tender flesh of my palm,
keeping the demon within.
This is what it feels like
to share your skin.

Let me let go,
I want to keep my control
I don't want this to run my life,
I can't escape the demon within my veins.
It's so black,
So sick,
So dead,
I wish that I could shed my skin

These are the words of the demon inside,
claws grasping, tearing up my throat,
intercepting the words I spoke,
the gutteral sounds of dying within,
this is what it's like to share your skin

You are within me
a part of me
I share my skin
with the demon within
I lose all control,
I can't let it go,
I'm not gonna go down
While i'm sharing my skin.

You're eating away at me
beneath my flesh
I don't know how long it will be
'till I can't hold on
I don't want this curse,
no not any longer,
I need to be free,
but I'm not match for your hunger

You want me,
inside and out
Your darkness consumes me
as you share my skin

I am actually using this in my story that i mentioned


I will bend but I won't break
I will bend but I won't break
I will bend but I won't break


You can bend me back
As far as I can go,
But i'm not gonna stop fighting
'Till I see some blood spilled,
It's a dark road to walk alone
 
I will bend, but I'll never break,
not while you're watching
You can't have that control,
You'll never see me cry
Until you're already broken.
 
I'm all wrapped up
in ropes tied too tight to unwind,
But i'm not gonna let go,
I'm not going to scream your name
until you've screamed mine
 
I will bend, but I'll never break,

not while you're watching
You can't have that control,
You'll never see me cry
Until you're already broken

You can give me that look,
beaut me down like the animal I am
You want me to scream in ecstasy of you
But I'd cut out my throat so
I don't scream before you

I will bend, but I'll never break,

not while you're watching
You can't have that control,
You'll never see me cry
Until you're already broken


I will bend but I won't break

I will bend but I won't break
I will bend but I won't break

You take the sand paper,
slowly, methodically
scrubbing against the wood.
Stripping away the imperfection.

It's how I feel when I'm around you
so open,
so exposed,
so amazed.

You take me,
so imperfect,
strip away everthing that is wrong,
and you repaint me

the long brush strokes
over sanded smooth wood,
creating a new coat
one that can't be worn down

Remember those days,
when all we did was relax,
sitting on the deck,
iced tea in one hand.
Conversation would flow,
and the day would go by
like american honey.
I so wanted to escape those summer days.

But one day,
when those days slip away,
you miss the sweetness,
those american honey days.
I wish I could have those days back,
now it seems everything's moving
at lightning speed.
Those slow, lazy days
the ones I enjoyed
appreciated.

I got out of there
as fast as I could
when I got the chance...
and at the time I didn't miss it,
sadly,
I'm no longer a kid anymore
but a woman.
And I can't help but to think back
on those american honey days.

I need you now.
I'd rather not let you go
I get so attatched
so easily,
just thought you should know,
please don't go

You heal,
you break,
You're the architect,
I'm the mistake.
It's like our jenga-block chaos
will come crashing down
around us.
It's some chaos,
Some confusion
It's all or nothing,
Babe, it's me and you

To rip your name off of my heart
would be like ripping a bandaid off my arm.
I used to constantly protect,
but you constantly made me know.
I thought I could trust ou with my heart,
but I should've known
that I can't let go, because everyone always betrays.
It's like love is a lost cause,
because somehow I always end up crying myself to sleep
and I guess trusting you was my mistake,
because I thought wrong.
I thought we had our moments,
but they were lies, fake.
I shouldn't even trust myself,
you said no, and look how much I lost.
I just wish this could work,
that we could be together,
because I'm so sick of shedding tears
over your stupid mistakes
your mixed signals.
When I let you know, I was giving you my heart,
but I guess this princess has yet to find her frog.

You invade my senses,
walking into my every thought.
I can remember your voice,
your touch,
your face,
you scent,
and I wish I could taste your lips.
You cloud my mind with your presence
and your smile makes my knees go weak,
it's like you're running through my veins.
We're unconciously hardwired for the same thing.
That's why you're still so in love with her,
still so attached.
And my heart aches when I feel your pain,
I know it,
I've been there.
It's not just blanket statement agony,
but it's just too hard to explain

Sing to me
'Cause I can't breathe,
it's like a blanket of agony
has settled over me.
I don't wanna let you go,
but I guess I don't have a choice.
My throat is choked,
I can't breathe,
it feels like my heart bleeds
because of you.
It's a bittersweet symphony
and I can't find the harmony.
I thought we could write this song together,
But you broke my heart.

Hey Guys...
Well, i'm not sure if this is what you new followers want to read, me, whining about my feelings....okay well my poetry is that too, but this is a journal entry. Well, I don't know how far back you guys have read, but I've got this guy friend, whom I really like......

Well, it's kind of game over for me. I was officially rejected today. He told me "We're best friends, but I don't feel anything more, you're just not the girl for me".....Ouch. Of course at first it didn't hurt. In fact, I went till 9:00 PM (which is like now) without hurting....but now it's really starting to hurt.

I don't get it. I thought that we'd be perfect for each other seeing as we were best friends, but I guess I was wrong. Okay, so I dated this really bad, not fun, not cool guy two years ago...that guy was my first boyfriend. After him and I broke up, I decided I was never going to date a guy who wasn't my friend first. Now I'm wondering if I should've said that, because it seems that once you become best friends with a guy, you're permanently stuck there.

And this has been a cause of many sighs. But I want this guy sooooo much. I've liked him for almost two years, it's just weird how he never could've felt anything...I don't get it.

Anyhow

I've gotta have you
I thought you were in my blood
I thought you were in my soul.
I wish we could've worked forever
I had so many dreams for you and I,
But I guess they're all shattered,
On the floor.
It's the bitter truth,
I wish we could take it back.
My throat is aching,
I want to cry,
I want to scream and shout.
Why did I lie,
Tell you I'm okay.
I wish we could be.

I'm not the one who'd make the first move
I'm not brazen,
Not comfortable,
The sexual tension from waiting for a kiss
For TWO DAMN YEARS,
and I don't act like a slut
And somehow I'm still a risk,
Like a bomb waiting to explode.
Is that really what you want to happen,
Because baby when it comes to blows
I'll always win

I guess I gave you permission,
"Go ahead and break my heart"
I guess I didn't need it anyways.

A temptress of words
A well-worded poet
Finding the rhymes,
Dodging the bullets.
Flirting with danger
Knowing the price,
Following the road
Upon which he lies.
Learned an oath
Never forgotten
Leaves behind
A pretense of falseness.
Tripping over stones
Worn smooth by water,
Losing your path
Following darkness.
A battle not won,
A wound now forgotten
Not paid in full,
Still haven't gotten
The word and the new
Of the cities that fall
And the people that lose

And she cries
In the road less travelled and worn,
And she knows
That it's rather this than be torn.
She sees the world through
A different Looking-glass.
She sits in a place
No better than the last.
And she thinks that it'll be better
As she sits, rereads his letter.
Crystal clear tears drip down her face,
All the innocence gone from this place.
And she cries,
the sweetest tears are the thing
that makes her who she is,
And she cries.

You are sensitive, I am a Machine,
I've seen love die too many times
When it deserves to live.
We speak a different language
When we fight the ones we love,
So please, Forgive what I have done.
No, you can't stay mad at the setting sun.
I never told you,
But it's all in your goodbyes.
If you lie, you don't deserve
To have friends.
Ain't it pretty,
The way it fits together at night,
Planned perfection sought in my dreams.
I never said this was my Revolution
When I looked you in the eyes,
But I lied.


P.S. I didn't write this poem, I found it somewhere a few years ago, I can't remember where though. Anyhow, I loved it, and I wanted to post it,
Thanks
little red

So poetically inadequate.







Stiff fingers scrawl words,






Hearts race and chillbumps crawl,






No warmth on the soul.






No dreams, you took them all.






I’m picturing your smile






Flirting across your lips.






Are you thinking of me?






Or is she on your mind,






Your half-friend,






Ex-girlfriend, first love?






And I thought you’d sweep me






Off my feet, how wrong could I be.






No furtive smiles, no secrets






In your eyes?






You really have nothing to hide?






Why don’t I believe you.






It’s not like you’ve never lied.






My body is cold, lacking outer heat,






But if you were nearby,






You could be keeping me warm.






Roses wilt and fade,






Need I carry on this tirade?






Because diamonds always sparkle,






But I always seem to fade






Into black, into the back.






Has the ground never shook






Beneath your feet?






Would I be the first






To notice the brewing tempest?






Do you want me to be a






Beguiling temptress? Because






Being me does not seem to be






Attention grabbing.






And you think I’ve got






A heart made of stone,






But you’re so wrong, so blind,






And you’ve crossed a line.






So no more games, give me






Something more, hold me in






Your arms, not letting go.






Warm up my frozen skin,






Help me move again.






Kiss my lips, let me taste






What causes my heart to race.

I can almost taste it , you and me
The way your eyes settle on me
Seeing me, for real.
We're so close
But still so far.
Some twisted set of rules
Is what is holding you
Holding you back from me.
It's like a twisted dance
and I don't know the steps.
Because now that I know
I know the truth,
It makes it harder and
Harder to stay away.
Because I can't stay away from you...
You're better at that then me.
And when I see you looking at me,
My heart sings.
So baby, can't we get just a little bit closer?

I'm exhausted, but I love you guys, so I'll give you a post.


Your smell should linger on my skin, so I can always breathe you in.
You can always make me warm, even when you're not next to me.
You light this fire within my heart, and it feels like I could fall apart.
You can make me tremble, make me swoon, and you've got me eating out of the palm of your hand.
I wish you could be together but you don't seem to feel the same way.
I thought that we could be together, but you seem to be ignoring me.
I wish, I wish, but don't we all?
You should be with me, because I feel like I belong in your arms.
And it's been such a long time, and I'm so sick of waiting. Aren't I worth chasing?
I thought that there was something in me worth fighting for, but I guess I thought wrong.
My heart is broken, and I don't want it to be.
You promised you wouldn't hurt me,
Well guess what,
You did.